This question has been on my mind this past week. As I said to Chris last Wednesday, "I totally bribed your daughter to go to vision therapy today." And I was feeling guilty. I spent most of my free time this week reading articles on the internet to try to figure out how badly I screwed up and how it was going to backfire - because we certainly couldn't afford to buy some makeup product every week... we are only on week three of this 32-week commitment. Yikes! đŹ
What I think I've discovered is that I didn't really bribe Leora. I offered an incentive to encourage her to engage in her session. According to www.empoweringparents.com,
Generally, bribery occurs under duressâright smack in the middle of a situation in which your child has seemingly sprouted horns and a tail. It happens quickly, when all you want is to change your childâs behavior on the spot, so you offer him something that you had no previous intention of offering. It is a form of negotiatingâand remember, overânegotiating puts the child in the driverâs seat. On the other hand, the effective use of rewards is quite different, because you are compensating your child for his good behavior, rather than being manipulated and extorted. -Erin Schlicher
Here is how our morning played out last week. We were struggling a bit to get out the door. Leora hadn't slept well. She didn't want to get dressed. She didn't want to go to Vision Therapy because she doesn't like her therapist and vision therapy is too hard. That's a lot going on and I practiced my Circle of Security Parenting and helped Leora to organize her feelings and spent time being with her while she expressed her thoughts. We made it out the door and to the appointment on time but with a slightly grumpy child. We had already decided that we would be going to Walmart after Vision Therapy to pick up a birthday present for Leora's friend and Leora had asked to bring her own money to buy an eyeliner that she really wanted. While we waited for Leora's therapist to be ready to begin the session I leaned over to Leora and asked if she thought she could take a deep breath and try to have a good attitude about the therapy session. Leora took a deep breath, huffed it out and said, "I'll try I guess." I replied, "That would be great because the more you engage in these sessions, the more fun you will have and the easier they will become. All I'm asking is that you try... AND if you try your best to have a positive attitude then I will pay for that eyeliner for you." Leora's eyes lit up. She smiled and said "Deal!!" and off she went to participate to the best of her ability. When I returned 45 minutes later, I could hear Leora chatting away with her vision therapist, engaged and cheerful. She giggled her way through teaching me her homework (I have to learn how to take on the therapist's role for the home exercises) and skipped out of the office. When we got to the van I commented, "Well, that seemed to go well." To which Leora responded, "You know what Mom? I had to kind of fake a positive attitude at first because I didn't want to be there. But then I started to kind of have fun and before I knew it I really did have a good attitude and I had fun today!"
I have no illusions that, from now on, all will be easy and that Leora won't complain about going to vision therapy again. I do think that Leora sees the benefit of trying to have a positive perspective, at least in calmer moments. We may not always need to resort to bribery - or offer incentives - because Leora has seen the natural benefit of the behaviour we are trying to encourage. Leora is also working VERY HARD and maybe her commitment and perseverance should be rewarded.
The rest of our day was pretty fantastic as well. We played Math War with multiplication questions. We took the pressure off by letting Leora use the answer card but she also made some great observations. For example, my card was 7x3 and her card was 7x5 and she knew that her card would be higher because 5 is higher than 3. (I still made her answer the questions. đ)
Leora's prompt for her rock design was to draw one of her favourite things. She drew the Roblox symbol from her favourite video game.
We travelled a little outside of town for our sit spot today and Leora has decided that this is THE spot. It was unseasonably warm for November 23rd and the beach was beautiful!
Leora could not resist the waves and before I realized it, Leora had her boots and socks off and she was wading in the lake. đ
The water was cold and Leora's feet were red and sore after the five minutes she spent running and splashing, but the spirit of the sit spot - to connect with nature, to reduce stress, and to get physically active was definitely captured.
Leora is learning to find joy and to make time for less busy, more relaxed activities. She is also learning how to balance that with hard work and obligations. I hope I'm helping to teach her that there are natural rewards for discipline and perseverance but that there is nothing wrong with a little incentive to enhance the experience - after all, I still expect to receive a pay check after providing child care - and I love my job! đ ~K
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